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Helping someone through Family Violence
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Whilst all couples have arguments, you may be worried that a friend or family member is in an abusive relationship. If you are worried that a friend or family member is experiencing family violence, this will be painful and upsetting for you, and you may want to help the person you care about through this.
It can be very difficult for someone who is experiencing family violence to tell someone and seek help. You can make a great difference to someone who is experiencing family violence by offering your encouragement and support.
Here is some information on how you can help. This information was developed from information in the Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria (DVRCV) booklet ‘Is someone you know being abused in a relationship? a guide for families, friends and neighbours’, available at the DVRCV website. A printed version is available in 10 community languages and can be ordered with the DVRCV order form.
Signs to look out for
Family violence is not always obvious. Some key signs to look out for include:
The person seems afraid of a family member
Their family member criticises or humiliates the person in front of other people.
The person has stopped seeing friends or family
The person seems anxious or depressed, has lost confidence and is unusually quiet
The person has physical injuries such as bruises, broken bones, sprains or cuts
The person says that they are being pressured to do sexual things
Why don't they just leave?
Leaving might seem like a simple solution from the outside, but there are many reasons why someone stays in a violent situation.
Amongst other reasons, people experiencing family violence might stay because:
The abuser may threaten to hurt themselves or others (children, pets, family members) if the victim leaves
They still care for or love their abusers and hope they will change
They blame the violence on external factors (drink, stress etc) or themselves and think that if the trigger stops so will the abuse
They think it is best for the children if they stay
They have little confidence of their ability to make it on their own, and feel powerless as a result of the abuse
They are isolated and lonely with few supports outside the family, this can be particularly bad if English is not their first language, or if they live in a rural or remote area
They are being pressured to stay by others in their family or community, and fear being rejected by the whole community if they leave
They do not have practical means of survival (money, transport, housing) independent of their family or partner
It is important that people are not blamed for not being ready to leave. Supporting the person emotionally and practically can still be very helpful.
Should I intervene?
Some people are concerned that relationships are a private matter and don’t want to be seen to be interfering. But if your friend is experiencing family violence they may be isolated and not feel able to bring up the subject themselves.
If you approach them sensitively, non-critically and with compassion, this gives them an opportunity to talk. If your suspicions are wrong, all you have done is expressed concern for their wellbeing as a friend. Tell them you are worried about them and explain why.
They may be defensive or upset, and not ready to talk about it. Don't push the person into talking if they are uncomfortable, but let them know that you're there if needed. Be patient, and be ready to listen when they are ready to talk.
What can I do?
Listen to what the person has to say, without judging them.
Believe them and take it seriously, victims are much more likely to downplay abuse than to exaggerate it
Tell the person that the violence is not their fault
Criticise the behaviour, not the abuser or the victim.
Respect their right to make their own decisions
Respect their cultural or religious beliefs
Help build their confidence in themselves and their abilities to cope
Keep in regular contact, including after they have left the situation
Offer practical assistance, like watching the children, cooking a meal, or going with her to events / court / police
Help them to find out about services available and encourage the person to seek help when they are ready (see our pages FV services in the Northern region or If you are experiencing FV)
Don’t give advice, help them find information and come to their own decisions.
Don’t pressure them to leave or make decisions on their behalf.
Staying Safe
It is important that you help your friend or family member think about their safety and how they and any children or other family members can be protected from further violence.
You can help them think about safety plans – developing a plan for how and where they could go if they needed to leave in an emergency. You or they can call the Women’s Domestic Violence Crisis Service to find out about emergency accommodation (refuges). You can also support them if they choose to contact the Police.
Whenever there is threat of immediate danger, call the police on 000.
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone through family violence can be extremely scary, frustrating and exhausting. You need to ensure that you are looking after yourself too, and get support yourself if needed.
By being honest about how you are feeling emotionally, and what you can offer is in both your interests. Only by looking after yourself will you be able to fully support them as well.
They have a booklet on helping friends through FV, which was used extensively in developing the advice on this page. The booklet is available at the DVRCV website, and a printed version is available in 10 community languages and can be ordered with the DVRCV order form. | 